Common Communication Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

Communication is key! Say how you feel! Have the hard conversation! You’ve heard it all before. It’s true—communication is the backbone of relationships, romantic or otherwise. However, communicating is not necessarily the same as communicating effectively.

Oftentimes in romantic relationships, communication issues are not the sole fault of one person but result from the dynamic between individuals. In other words, both parties have a part to play—in both perpetuating the cycles and moving beyond them.

Over time, dysfunctional communication cycles can become deeply ingrained, making them difficult to consciously break, let alone recognize in the moment. Here are four of the most common communication traps that couples get into—and some tips on how to get out:

1. The Chase/Withdraw Cycle

Some partners have markedly different approaches to emotional communication, with one tending toward emotional vulnerability and expressiveness and the other more private and emotionally detached. The contrast between communication styles can create a challenging dynamic where the more emotionally open person feels compelled to “chase” their avoidant partner—pressuring them to “open up” in an attempt to bridge the emotional gap. In doing so, they push their partner further away, deepening the disconnect between them.

If you’re the “chaser”: While it may seem counterintuitive, the antidote is not to chase harder but to stop the chase altogether. In doing so, you help foster the emotional safety, free of pressure, needed for your partner to open up. Exercise patience and practice self-soothing techniques if you find yourself anxious while waiting for them to tell you how they feel.

If you’re the “withdrawer”: Your tasks are to slowly lean into the discomfort of vulnerability—taking more risks in what you reveal—and stay curious about your partner’s experience when you withdraw. Their chasing, while it may feel invasive, is almost always a well-intentioned bid for connection. Being honest about how it feels to be vulnerable is, itself, an act of vulnerability—and a great place to begin.

2. The Accuse/Defend Cycle

Just as one partner's pursuit triggers the other's withdrawal and vice versa, accusatory behavior and defensiveness also often feed into each other. When one partner accuses the other of wrongdoing, the accused partner may become defensive and try to justify their actions, feeling as though they are being unfairly attacked. Meanwhile, the accusing partner may view their partner’s defensiveness as a lack of self-accountability—intensifying their frustration and continuing the cycle.

Defensiveness is not always the result of accusatory behavior, however. Sometimes, when one partner brings up a relationship concern, even with care and non-accusatory language, it brings up guilt, shame, or a sense of helplessness in the other partner, inclining them to defend themselves against it. 

Defensiveness can also be a way to try to protect one’s self-image (of being a good partner, for instance). In response to their partner’s defensiveness, the initiating partner may feel shut out or dismissed. They may subsequently resort to expressing their concerns in an accusatory manner in an effort to be heard and understood—a tactic that typically backfires.

If you’re the “accuser”: First, it’s important to look at what’s driving your accusations. Is it an unmet need—for attention, effort, or otherwise? While it’s important to express how you feel in your relationship, it’s essential to differentiate between being accusatory and being assertive. 

Instead of honing in on what your partner did wrong, try calmly expressing how their actions made you feel using “I feel” statements. For instance, if your partner hasn’t followed through on a promise, you might say, "I feel frustrated and overlooked when the things we agree on don’t happen.” Approaching it this way fosters emotional safety, deepening empathy and understanding between you two.

If you’re the “defender”: Check in with yourself: what are you trying to defend? Are you interpreting your partner’s words as an attack on your character? You don’t have to adopt your partner’s perspective as your own, but it’s important to validate their feelings before offering your take on the events at play.

If you find that your partner is communicating in an accusatory or aggressive manner and you want to avoid escalating the cycle with defensiveness, acknowledge their emotions and express that you care about them—but don’t shove aside your own. You could say something like this: “I see that you're really hurt right now. I care about what you're saying, and I want to take responsibility for my part, but it’s hard to stay present when I’m feeling attacked. I’d love for us to have an open dialogue so I can truly hear you without having my guard up.” By communicating assertively and compassionately, you prevent the conflict from escalating and create the space for constructive, empathic dialogue.

3. The Reacting-Not-Responding Cycle

Poor listening skills are all too common in relationships, especially during conflict. Many couples fall into the habit of talking at rather than with one another. Instead of actively listening, they focus on planning their response while the other person is speaking, missing the opportunity to pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully. 

Couples caught in this cycle are often more concerned with convincing the other person of their perspective than with trying to genuinely understand each other. As a result, the conversation goes nowhere and, instead, devolves into an unresolvable back-and-forth, only widening the gap between them.

How to start listening: From a place of curiosity and openness, pay attention to both their words and body language. Carefully consider why they might hold their perspective, even if it differs drastically from yours. If there’s something you don’t understand, it’s more than okay to ask clarifying questions—in fact, doing so shows deep, genuine interest in their experience, which only strengthens your connection with one another. Once you’ve arrived at a place of understanding, tell them what you heard them say in your own words, validate their feelings, and take accountability for your part. Articulate what it was, express remorse, and discuss how you’ll do better moving forward.  

Remember: you and your partner are on the same team! The goal of conflict is not to prove that you’re right and your partner’s wrong but to stay connected and build understanding in the face of disagreement and difference. In conflict, when your partner shares their feelings with you, consider it an opportunity to know them more deeply. 

4. The Avoid-Conflict-at-All-Costs Cycle

Some couples are prone to avoiding difficult topics like future plans, their sex life, and financial concerns in order to keep the peace. While they may not argue often, these couples often have a surface-level connection, as neither partner is fully showing up as themselves.

Issues don’t go away when they are swept under the rug. When both partners avoid problems, it only drives them further apart, leading them to either break up due to unresolved issues or stay in a dissatisfying relationship.

The value of addressing difficult topics: Conflict, when done right, can actually be generative and bring couples closer together. If you recognize there is a difficult topic you’ve been avoiding, the first step is to not dismiss or minimize it but simply be honest with yourself about the fact that it’s an issue for you. Many people who habitually avoid conflict in relationships learned at some point in their lives to associate conflict with emotional pain or disconnection. However, true connection and intimacy can only happen when both partners are authentic and open with one another. 

Going Forward

If you and your partner struggle to communicate, chances are you recognize one or more of these dynamics playing out in your relationship.Rather than viewing any one of these communication pitfalls as an individual flaw or moral failing, try seeing it as a shared challenge that you can solve together as a team. Shiftaway from blame, and focus instead on what you can do differently. After all, if both people wait on the other to change before trying to change themselves, the change will never come.