Ethical Non-monogamy 101
Whether you’ve been practicing ethical non-monogamy for years or are simply curious to learn more, you’re not alone—and you’re in the right place!
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), or consensual non-monogamy, is an umbrella term to describe all sexually or romantically nonexclusive relationship styles. In other words, people who practice ENM agree to have multiple sexual and/or romantic connections at a time. It requires clear boundaries, strong self-awareness, and, above all, open and honest communication with everyone involved.
Let’s dive into some key ENM terms and types:
Polyamory
While the terms are often used interchangeably, polyamory and ethical non-monogamy aren’t synonyms. In fact, polyamory is just one type of ethical non-monogamy, albeit an increasingly popular one. Literally translating to “many loves,” polyamory is the practice of having, or the desire to have, multiple intimate relationships at a time (with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved). It falls into two types: hierarchical and non-hierarchical.
Hierarchical: In hierarchical polyamory, certain relationships are given priority over others. For instance, individuals in preexisting long-term relationships may consider each other their primary partners, whereas other romantic or sexual partners are viewed as secondary. It’s essential that everyone involved is fully aware of and agrees to this hierarchy.
Non-hierarchical: In non-hierarchical polyamory, there is no set ranking of one’s partnerships. People who practice non-hierarchical polyamory do not see any one partner or relationship as more or less important than another, valuing each equally for its unique dynamics.
Solo Poly
Those who are solo poly engage in multiple intimate relationships without desiring a couple-centric relationship. Many solo poly people will tell you that they consider themselves their own primary partners. They don’t subscribe to the relationship escalator and, therefore, don’t want to enmesh their lives with those of their partners—instead prioritizing their independence and autonomy.
Relationship Escalator
The relationship escalator is a set of societal expectations that outlines what a "successful" romantic relationship supposedly looks like. Typically, it follows a predictable pattern: two people meet, feel attracted to one another, and gradually move toward more intimacy. As the connection deepens, they stop dating other people, put labels on the relationship, and say, “I love you.” Their lives become increasingly intertwined as they spend more time with each other, leading to milestones like moving in together, getting married, and having children, blending both their financial and personal lives.
Many in the ENM community, particularly polyam people, are critical of the relationship escalator, viewing it as restrictive and arbitrary. They don’t measure the quality of their relationships by how closely they adhere to these expectations, nor by how long they last. Instead, they recognize that relationships can serve different purposes at different times in life, and that growth and change are natural aspects of relationships and the human experience.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity refers to a form of polyamory where a group of people agrees to only have romantic or sexual relationships within that group. This type of arrangement creates a sense of exclusivity within a collective, where all members of the group are committed to one another in a closed loop, without seeking external partners outside the established circle.
Open Relationship
People in open relationships are romantically committed to each other but consensually engage in sexual or romantic connections with others. Some couples allow for outside sexual experiences alone, while in other configurations, both sexual and romantic connections with others are acceptable. Therefore, someone in an open relationship may be polyamorous but isn’t necessarily—and the reverse is also true.
Throuple or Quad
A throuple is a sexual or romantic relationship between three people, whereas a quad consists of four people. All partners are equally involved with each other—sexually, romantically, or both—and, when done healthily, communicate honestly and openly with one another in order to maintain balance and the informed consent of everyone involved.
Monogamish
People in monogamish relationships are primarily monogamous but occasionally have outside sexual or romantic experiences with both parties’ consent and knowledge. Monogamish relationships often involve flexible boundaries, wherein couples decide together exactly when and how they’ll engage with others outside their relationship.
Relationship Anarchy
Relationship anarchy (RA) is a relationship style and philosophy that, in some ways, takes non-hierarchical poly a step further, rejecting all traditional relationship norms and expectations. Relationship anarchists allow each relationship to actualize organically without the constraints or expectations of traditional relationship rules.
As you can see, ENM comes in many flavors—and sometimes you don’t know if you like something unless you’ve tried it out yourself. If you’re considering ENM, know that it’s a perfectly valid relationship model that, for some, can provide deeper sexual or romantic fulfillment than traditional monogamy. However, it’s important to remember that neither monogamy nor ENM is inherently better, healthier, or more enlightened than the other. You, and only you, get to decide what feels right!
