Practicing Consent in Sex and Beyond
It all begins with an idea.
Consent is a continuous process of communicating boundaries and comfort levels with one another. For it to truly be consent, it must be:
Informed: All parties must have a clear and complete understanding of what they are agreeing to, including any potential risks and consequences.
Voluntary: Consent must be given freely without pressure, manipulation, or coercion.
Revocable: Consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason—and this decision must be respected immediately.
Conscious: Someone who is incapacitated—whether due to drugs or alcohol, intellectual disability, unconsciousness, sleep, or something else—cannot give consent. All parties must be capable of fully comprehending the circumstance and its implications.
Context-specific: Consent is specific to the situation at hand. For example, agreeing to something in one instance does not imply ongoing consent for future encounters.
The Importance of Sexual Consent
Consent isn’t a one-time check-in at the start of a sexual encounter but, rather, an ongoing dialogue between individuals, where each openly communicates their boundaries, comfort levels, and desires throughout the experience. Here’s how this might play out in practice:
Checking in regularly with one another: Check in with the other person throughout the experience to ensure they feel comfortable by asking questions like “How is this for you?”
Paying attention to the other’s body language: Non-verbal cues, like pulling away, tensing up, or avoiding eye contact, are signs to pause and ask if the other person’s okay.
Discussing limits beforehand: Taking the time to discuss each other’s desires and boundaries sets the stage for a positive and safe sexual experience.
Stopping immediately if something feels off: If you’re uncertain about how the other person is feeling at any time, always pause and check in.
Remember, consent should never be assumed or implied. Silence or passivity does not equal consent, and the absence of a "no" is not the same as a "yes." Consent involves an active, enthusiastic, and ongoing agreement between individuals, rooted in the fundamental principle that every person has the right to decide what they do with their own body.
Consent Outside the Bedroom
Many people hear the word “consent” and immediately think of sex and sex alone. While consent is absolutely crucial in matters of sex and physical intimacy, its importance extends far beyond the walls of the bedroom; it’s essential in all facets of dating and relationships.
Consent, at its core, is about honoring another person’s autonomy. This begins with the recognition that every person is their own individual, separate from you, with wants, needs, and boundaries of their own—which may or may not align with yours. It’s not up to you to decide what someone “should” want or be comfortable with, nor are you entitled to push, dictate, or override their boundaries to serve your own interests.
Here are just a few of the areas in relationships where consent shows up:
Emotional vulnerability: Everyone has the right to take emotional intimacy at their own pace. While some are comfortable sharing personal details and expressing strong feelings early on, others prefer to take more time to develop trust. Pressuring your partner to open up before they’re ready is not only disrespectful of their boundaries but also typically backfires, delaying or outright halting the process of building trust that is necessary for safe, deep connection.
Physical affection: Consent applies not just to sex but also to nonsexual physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, sitting close, and giving cheek and forehead kisses. Comfort levels with physical affection vary widely, and no approach is inherently “better” or “healthier.”
Time together: There’s no universal rule for how much time couples should spend together. Personal needs and preferences depend on factors like lifestyle, commitments, personality, and attachment style. Respect your partner’s boundaries and avoid pressuring them to spend more time with you than they want or are able to.
Making plans: Both partners should have an equal say in how they spend their time together, as well as plans for the future (such as moving in together). Openly discussing preferences, making decisions collaboratively, and compromising when possible fosters a sense of partnership and mutual respect.
It’s important to note that minimizing, ignoring or outright dismissing your own needs in order to make a relationship “work”—or in the name of respect for your partner—is never a recipe for happiness or fulfillment. Relationships cannot flourish without open communication—and being honest about what you want and need is not the same as pressuring your partner into doing something they aren’t ready for or don’t want to do.
If you find that you and your partner desire different levels of intimacy, affection, or time together, only you can determine whether they are workable or even compromisable differences or deal-breakers that ultimately reveal a lack of compatibility. If you do decide you’re incompatible, it’s best to part ways, not try to convince the person into adopting your relational values and preferences.
Building a Strong Foundation
Practicing consent fosters mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety—a foundation from which your relationship can truly blossom. Consent empowers both partners to show up authentically and equally with the felt sense that their autonomy is valued and honored. It’s not just about saying “yes” or “no”—consent is a dynamic, ongoing process of communication and care.