Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Impact Dating
It all begins with an idea.
It’s true: for better or for worse, the early relationships we had with our parents play a defining role in how we relate to others. In fact, according to attachment theory, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, the bonds we form with our caregivers in early childhood inform the way we approach our primary relationships as adults, especially romantic relationships.
What Are Attachment Styles?
The four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—represent the four primary ways we relate to those closest to us. While these strategies are based in early childhood, they’re also shaped and reinforced by past romantic relationships, especially those that were dysfunctional. Understanding your attachment style can help you become more aware of your patterns in relationships, date people who are good for you and your nervous system, and cultivate healthier and happier dynamics.
In this article, we explore the four attachment styles and how they show up in romantic relationships, particularly in the early stages of dating. If you find yourself relating to one of the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), fear not—it isn’t a fixed part of your personality, and it’s certainly not a moral failure. With self-awareness, open communication, and consistent effort, it’s more than possible to develop a secure attachment within your relationships.
Now, let’s dive into the four attachment strategies!
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style tend to behave in a stable, consistent way in relationships. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence and have a strong sense of self. They trust their partners and themselves, handle conflicts maturely and calmly, and know when (and how) to step away from a relationship when it isn’t serving them.
How it shows up in dating: If you are primarily securely attached, you likely express your feelings, boundaries, desires, and dating intentions directly and calmly. You neither rush nor shy away from intimacy and commitment, instead moving at a comfortable, confident, and consistent pace. You know your worth and allow connections to unfold organically.
2. Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and struggle with independence and distance in relationships. Highly sensitive to signs of inconsistency and withdrawal, they frequently ask for reassurance, sometimes picking fights out of insecurity. However, this often backfires, as it only pushes their partner further away, subsequently reinforcing their belief that they are “too much.”
How it shows up in dating: If you are primarily anxiously attached, you may fixate on making a good impression on dates, often focusing more on how your date sees you than on your feelings about them. When you develop feelings for someone, you may feel the urge to rush commitment or intimacy as a way to resolve your anxiety around the ambiguity of your relationship. If they show any distance (such as by taking time to respond to your text), you may overanalyze your past actions and feel the urge to ask for reassurance.
3. Avoidant Attachment
In contrast to their anxious counterparts, people with an avoidant attachment style fear intimacy and losing their independence in relationships. They may keep partners at arm’s length and struggle with emotional vulnerability. They tend to prioritize self-sufficiency and don’t want to be dependent on others. They may come across as emotionally distant or unavailable, especially in conflict or when facing outside stress.
How it shows up in dating: If you are primarily avoidantly attached, you prefer to go at a slow pace when dating and may struggle to share details about yourself. You typically shy away from emotional vulnerability and may appear nonchalant or even aloof on dates. If a date expresses intense feelings or brings up commitment or future plans with you, you may feel overwhelmed or even suffocated, triggering the urge to withdraw. To protect your autonomy, you may also have rigid boundaries around your time and space.
4. Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment typically arises from traumatic or abusive early relationships. People with a disorganized attachment style display a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors—they long for intimacy but are also terrified of it, as they’ve learned to associate it with pain and danger. Their contradictory behavior often creates an unpredictable push-pull dynamic in their relationships. They often struggle to express their feelings calmly, especially in conflict. As such, their relationships are often stormy and unstable.
How it shows up in dating: If you have a disorganized attachment style, you likely experience intense emotional highs and lows when dating. As the relationship deepens, your behavior may become more erratic and inconsistent, which often leaves you confused and ashamed. You may oscillate between vulnerability and withdrawal and give mixed signals about your feelings and desires. Maintaining healthy boundaries with others can also prove challenging. You may struggle to discern red flags, or who is and isn’t a safe person to date.
Relationships Take Two
It’s also important to remember that in relationships, people don’t act in isolation. An individual’s behavior is shaped not just by their childhood experiences but also by the dynamics of the relationship itself. For instance, someone might behave more insecurely if they’re with a partner who acts inconsistently or communicates in vague terms. However, that same person will likely feel more at ease when they’re with someone who shows up predictably and communicates directly.
While you have power over your role in the dynamic, it takes two to tango: both people play a role in the dynamic—and in changing it. Healthy, fulfilling relationships are only possible when both partners address their patterns, take responsibility for their actions, and work together to cultivate emotional security.
Moving Forward
As we said before, your attachment style is not set in stone—it is simply a strategy you developed to adapt to the circumstances of early childhood (and other past important relationships), and strategies can be changed. Here are some key steps you can take today to start working toward secure attachment:
Communicate your desires, needs, and insecurities openly and without shame.
Learn more about your attachment style by watching, reading, or listening to reputable sources (listed at the end!).
Reflect honestly on the role your attachment style has played in your relationships, past and present.
Practice self-compassion at every step—you can’t change the past, but you can grow with the awareness you have now.
Seek professional support when needed, such as from a trauma-informed therapist.
Healing attachment wounds takes time and isn’t always easy, but each step brings you closer to security within your relationships and, ultimately, within yourself.